Credit: Frank Ockenfels
It is usually inadvisable to spend a precious Friday evening doom-scrolling on The-Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Twitter’s “For You Page.” But amidst the random and the racist detritus, you can find diamonds. Or in tonight’s case, a blog idea. Credit to @HawkEmDownChris, who’s profile appears to be posting engagement bait, for this inspiration:
Well consider me baited. I have spent the last hour on IMDb, ChatGPT, and in my mind palace trying to work out an imaginary 24-hour movie marathon with one actor. What a strange and silly thing to do; just the thing I would try if a theater would let me.
I first thought through the Lord of the Rings movies, which with the extended editions would put me almost half way there. But though I enjoy Ian McKellen, Karl Urban, Christopher Lee, and Orlando Bloom, I couldn’t think of a run I wanted with anyone with enough variety. I did a list with Brad Pitt, which would get some of my favorite movies such as Inglorious Basterds, Moneyball, Oceans 11/13, and Snatch. It was a good list but I did not love some of the last options that would have put me over the line.
Finally, I thought of Ralph Fiennes. As I made a list and refined it and it magically came to 24 hrs. and 32 minutes, I knew I was close. I did some internet research, found an important omission, kicked The Kings Man to the curb, and here we have our perfect One-Actor Movie Marathon, 25 hours and 6 minutes with Ralph Fiennes, with likely sixty-six minutes of bathroom and concession breaks.
Before we start: Ralph Fiennes’ thoughts on the perfect martini.
In Bruges (7:00pm-8:47pm)
My movie marathon starts at 7:00pm at AMC Cherry Blossom 14. You can’t go to the movies without concessions, but I start simple with a 1L Dasani. There will be time enough for soda but I don’t need it yet. We are easing into the Day with Ralph with a movie he doesn’t appear in until halfway through. But the dark humo(u)r of Martin McDonagh is great work for him. No, you’re a f***ing inanimate object.
The Grand Budapest Hotel (8:47pm-10:26pm)
We are going to keep the energy up as night approaches with a Wes Anderson comedy. Unlike many entries on this list, Mr. Fiennes plays the co-protagonist of the film. There are no stops on this train, we are rolling one after the other.
The Menu (10:26pm-12:13am)
It is getting late so we need to add some action. This dark comedy borders on a slasher action flick with its creative food related deaths. Think Squid Game at Eleven Madison Park or any other Michelin star restaurant. I don’t think this is Ralph’s favorite of the list—did I mention he is watching with me—because he leaves for 20 minutes and comes back with a gin and tonic from McGuffins, the AMC bar. He has brought me an exorbitantly large Diet Coke and a Bavarian Legend pretzel.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (12:13am-2:31am)
We’ve entered the wee hours of the morning, so we need some light snacks after the heavy course of The Menu. But we are in for a treat, because Order of the Phoenix is the best of the Potters and showcases one of Fiennes most iconic roles as Lord Voldemort.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (2:31am-4:41am)
Fiennes is not in Half-Blood Prince, so we have Goblet of Fire, and the two Deathly Hallows to pick from if we want a mini-HP marathon. I went with the final film, which has a showcase duel between Harry and Voldemort and has good action for hours I really should be asleep. And if do, something will probably explode with a spell and wake me up.
The Lego Batman (4:41am-6:25am)
Woof, we are not even halfway and its still before dawn (though who can tell in a theater), so we need another change of pace. I was also shooting for variety in this marathon, so animation is important. Fiennes is not in many—I may have his only two—but this one is highly enjoyable with him playing a very funny Alfred to Will Arnett’s batman. If I doze a little in this one too, that is alright.
Conclave (6:25am-8:25am)
This is a dangerous choice for this place in the marathon, as it is a slow drama about the selection of the next Pope. I considered swapping Grand Budapest here to have some comedy in the 6a-8a hour, but I think we can do it. Fiennes tells me this is his favorite of his recent work. It got him his third Best Actor nomination. Popcorn and my second Diet Coke is needed though.
The Prince of Egypt (8:25am-10:04am)
Back to animation, as Fiennes plays primary antagonist Rameses in this musical rendition of the Moses story. The nineties were really the best for animation. I don’t recall if Fiennes sings, but I hope he does.
The End of the Affair (10:04am-11:46am)
This is the first on the list I have not seen, so I am taking a chance. I was initially one short of movies, so I picked this somewhat randomly based on perusing the IMDb, which summarizes the movie as “A desperate man tries to find out why his beloved left him years ago.” This slots nicely in the late morning and it will be nice to have the novelty of a new-to-me-film.
Schindler’s List (11:46am-3:01pm)
As we enter the afternoon and the home stretch, the marathon enters heavy territory. A three hour+ holocaust film would not otherwise be recommended for such a silly idea as a day in a movie theater, but this is indisputably Fiennes best work and no marathon with him could omit his Amon Goeth.
The English Patient (3:01pm-5:43pm)
We stay in World War II with another movie I have not seen. This was the last addition to the list, but I felt it needed to be on here to have a second unseen movie as well as an important movie in his canon. English Patient gave him his second Oscar nomination. This film what kicked The Kings Man out, a movie I enjoyed once but was a disappointment for what I expected with a Fiennes-led prequel to the very fun Kingsman: The Secret Service. Though it may be a little slow for hours 20-22, it has numerous actors and actresses I always enjoy (Colin Firth, Kristin Scott Thomas, Willem Defoe) and the story intrigues me, so I anticipate enjoying it.
Skyfall (5:43pm-8:06pm)
We round things off with one of my favorite movies and my favorite Bond: Skyfall. Ralph Fiennes plays a medium importance role; he is the fly-in-the-ointment British politician brought in to oversee the Security Services and push Judi Dench’s M into retirement. His role increases in subsequent films as he replaces Dench to be the new M. But I love just about everything about this movie, from Adele’s theme, to the homages to dying empire and Bonds of decades past, to Javier Bardem’s perfect over the top villainous plot; all filmed in Sir Roger Deakins’ cinematography.
As the credits roll and the Bond theme plays, I stand and let the popcorn kernels fall off me as I stretch. I am taking my time leaving because though I have been to the bathroom roughly one billion times, those theater seats were not designed for such use and I can hardly feel my legs. As the workers start giving me a “get the hell out of here” look, I make my way out and see that a crowd is waiting to file in. Its a predominately female crowd, with a preponderance of teens and twenty-somethings. Some of them are holding books. I look up at the screen above the entrance: The Hunger Games: Sunrise on the Reaping, 8:30pm. The second Hunger Games prequel movie. I never saw the first prequel. Wait, doesn’t Ralph Fiennes play a younger President Snow?
I couldn’t could I…?
The Hunger Games: Sunrise on the Reaping (8:30p-11:08pm)
